Le New Yorker réécrit des citations d'Orgueil et Préjugés... en jargon académique.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

Translation:

The heterogeneity of assumed intentions may incur a conclusory stereotype regarding gender selections in marriage-based societies, especially in those where the masculine hegemony of capital resources presupposes the feminization of property and uxorial acquisition.

* * *

“However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.”

Translation:

This male hegemony problematizes, dislocates, and obviates the performative coöperation between uxorial and sororal individualization in the circumforaneous commonality.

* * *

“ ‘My dear Mr. Bennet,’ said his lady to him one day, ‘have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?’ ”

Translation:

“My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his partner to him during one diurnal juncture, “have you heard that a hierarchical contractualized negotiation has been consensitized on Netherfield Park?”

* * *

“Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.”

Translation:

Mr. Bennet antiphoned post-positively.

* * *

“ ‘But it is,’ returned she; ‘for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she told me all about it.’ ”

Translation:

“But it is,” rejoindered his partner; “for Mrs. Long has just existed ephemerally in our site of domesticity and she verbalized to me the relevant narrative arc of its exchange-based commoditization.”

* * *

“Mr. Bennet made no answer.”

Translation:

Mr. Bennet did not reference any knowledge-based fact.

* * *

“ ‘Do you not want to know who has taken it?’ cried his wife impatiently.”

Translation:

“Do you not desire the specifications on who entered into a symmetrical capitalist concordat?” cried his partner with quasi-appetent intention.

* * *

“ ‘You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.’ ”

Translation:

“You want to interact on an essential level of dynamism, and I have no objection to receiving the information aurally.”

* * *

“This was invitation enough.”

Translation:

This iteration of linguistic symbolism sufficed.

* * *

Translator’s note: Authorial assertions of “originality” may or may not be validated in circumstances of posthumous relegation, and, therefore, the translator does not predicate the translation on anyone known as “Jane Austen.” Furthermore, the translator posits an entirely neoteric reading of the text dialectically based on contemporary notions of prologism. “Jane Austen,” whoever he/she was (or is), purposively used the name “Bennet” as a referent signifier to JonBenét Ramsey, thereby negotiating and prioritizing the space between conflicts of socialization and dystopian scenarios of corporeal tension. This post-Benjaminic reading confronts the “reader’s” notions of conclusory interpretations and challenges reactions based on normative comprehension.

The translator is currently working on “Anamnesis of Quondam Phenomenologies,” an Academiotics version of Marcel Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past.”